he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
