The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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