so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
