this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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