that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
