Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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