Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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