I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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