hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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