Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
