I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i would one night stand the shit outta him
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
