Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
