If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
