so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
