Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
