i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Randomize
