I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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