You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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