His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
