We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
me + whiskey = a bad person
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
