If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
