cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
