You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
