i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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