i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
