I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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