sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
