That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
