doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
