Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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