They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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