The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
