I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
