So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
