I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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