if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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