theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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