Jerry, you need to find god
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
