I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
How did I end up in the pool?!
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they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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