and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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