Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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