She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
