I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
