did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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