We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
