Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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