Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
