I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
