I want to make a zoo with you.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
