She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
