Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
